Mom's Funeral Speech

Given at my mom's funeral. I've stripped out some identifying information to protect my privacy. I wrote this over the course of about a week.

--------------Begin speech

I remember speaking at this very podium 35 years ago. Back then, they put podium at the lowest height and the microphone was down as far as it could go. I never imagined I'd be speaking here again. Hopefully my oratory skills have improved since then.

I spent hours agonizing over how to best honor mom. I ultimately decided to just share a few memories, quotes and concepts I cherish.

Anyone who knows mom knows she had a special place in her heart for animals. I have a picture of her as a teenager at a wedding. In her hands is a small black fuzzy thing. Upon closer inspection, you can clearly see it's a kitten. Yes, she brought a kitten to a wedding. This should come as a surprise to no one.

Mom once showed up at my apartment with a wounded pigeon she'd found floundering in the road. I told her my lease didn't allow pets. Undeterred, she marched over to the manager's apartment and informed him she was leaving it with me. The manager was a big guy, but he knew he'd met his match. He relented and gave his consent. Before I knew it, she brought over 2 homeless cockatoos as well! That's when the manager put the kibosh on the ever-expanding avian zoo!

When I was 7 or 8, mom got new linoleum in the kitchen. I got home from school and decided I was going to clean the new linoleum. I guess it looked in need of a cleaning! When she walked in the door from a hard day's work at the shop, she found that I had used comet cleaner on her shiny new linoleum. Needless to say, it was no longer shiny! At the time she was not happy, but eventually she learned to laugh about it. She had a way of finding the silver lining in just about any situation. That was one of her most endearing qualities. That, and her gift for gab.

After me and my partner moved away, mom and I would still talk on the phone for hours multiple times per week. We never ran out of things to talk about. 

One time dad and my partner were captive observers to one of these chat fests. We were driving through Lake Tahoe, and mom and I started talking. We were so engrossed in our conversation that we failed to notice the bored and stunned looks on their faces. Apparently we talked nonstop for 3 hours completely oblivious to their boredom. I earned a nickname that day: chatty cathy.

I found a poem that touched me in dealing with my grief at losing my favorite conversation partner. 

Hericlitis, by Callimachus, translated by William Johnson Corey:

They told me Hericlitis 

They told me you were dead

They brought me bitter news to hear

And bitter tears to shed

I wept as I remembered

How often you and I 

Had tired the sun with talking 

And sent him down the sky.

I'd like to read a memorable quote from the epistle to the Philippians. This is chapter 4, verse 8:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

I'd like to close with a cultural observation.

In Judaism, when they learn someone has died, they say "yehi zichra baruch", which translates to, "may her memory be for a blessing".

Mom. I will miss our conversations. I will miss your contagious, uproarious laughter. I will miss your legendary kindness. For me, your memory will always be a blessing. 

Thank you for rescuing a homeless kid and giving me a good life.

Hate Crime Laws Violating Free Speech

I'm almost a free speech purist, with exceptions for incitement to violence. That's why I'm horrified that a man has been convicted for trespass for putting notes on doors of homes flying the rainbow flag.

Here's the article:

https://apnews.com/article/iowa-hate-crime-lgbtq-rainbow-flag-b5d7d94722180171d80c38edf3676576

First off, saying "burn that gay flag" should never EVER be a crime. I'm a gay man, and I've put up with a lot of hateful speech in my lifetime. Never once did I think the speaker should have been prosecuted. It's speech, not conduct!

And what did they ultimately charge him with? Trespass. For walking on private property to put the notes on the doors. Did he holler at them? No. Did he threaten them? No. He simply walked up the walkway and put a note on the door expressing his opinion of the rainbow flag. 

People walk up to people's doors and leave notes frequently. Missionaries leave notes. People drive around leaving business cards and religious tracts. Is the state really saying no crime would have been committed if he had mailed them the note, or left it on the fence?

This guy was given 2 years probation for speech! I'm absolutely fucking livid! Why in hell did the snowflakes who received the notes call the police? Are gays suddenly buddy buddy with the police? Last I checked the police caused gay men more trouble that they ever provided help. This kind of shit is why so many people hate on gays. We won marriage equality. We won housing and employment protections. Do we have to pretend we're victimized by some old bigot leaving notes around town? Grow the fuck up!

A Unique Light Went Out in the Universe

My mom died last night. When I read the text message from my stepfather, I was overcome with a very complex set of emotions. I was mostly so sad that her uniqueness, her voice, her light was gone forever. But there was a small amount of relief and happiness that she's not in pain anymore.

The last time I saw here awake was a few days before she died. She was alert and talking, but the talk was nonsense. There were a few words mixed in, but it was mostly just her trying to communicate and being unable to. I'll never forget one specific thing. My mom loved to tell jokes, some of them a bit risque. Whenever she would tell a risque joke, she would let out this amazing laugh. It was high pitched, but had some low tones of a belly laugh. It reminded me that, even in her diminished state, her baseline personality and sense of humor was still intact. She still had that sparkle in her eye as she was speaking to her memory care bestie.

The last time I saw her, she was mostly unconscious. She would stir periodically, and she once opened her eyes. I held her hand and sat with her. I told her I love her. She was heavily sedated, but she squeezed my hand. She was so peaceful. I spent about an hour with her. I watched her breathe and mumble. As I was walking out of the room, I knew I would never see her again. I looked back at her, listened to her breathing, told her I love her and closed the door.

I took a meandering route home. It took 3 days to get home. By the time I got home, my stepfather was sending me texts with her vitals. Each text showed her fading away. After 3 more days, she took her last breath and died.

My mom was a lot of things. She was an entrepreneur. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a scout leader, a diligent worker, a friend, devout LDS, and so much more. She was salt-of-the-earth, the kind of shoulders upon which civilization rests. Even though she would never have called herself a feminist, she certainly broke a lot of glass ceilings in her time.

She struggled to accept a gay son. For her, I think she thought gay men existed because their parents failed them. She kept saying, "I didn't raise a gay boy". She had gay friends and coworkers. I know she didn't have any hate in her heart for gay men, but she just didn't think I was gay. I guess I don't fit the stereotype, so she had a bit of a point. After about 5 years, she finally accepted me. It got to the point where she scolded a woman who stood up in relief society to invite everyone to go protest at the pride celebration.

I don't believe in an afterlife. But, if I'm wrong, I hope people like my mom have a very good afterlife. She did so much good in her life, if anyone deserves a just reward after death, it is her. I feel the same about dogs. I know the euphemism of the rainbow bridge is quaint, but when I look at my own precious girl, I have to think she won't really be gone. But at the end of the day I know when the time comes for us all, it's simply lights out.

Everyone eventually fades from the memory of their descendants. My mom had such an amazing life, I might write a book about her life.

Maybe it is the fact that I've had a year to prepare, and 15 days of real notice, but I feel mostly at peace with mom's passing. I will certainly miss her. I will probably tear up a bit periodically when my senses remind me of something reminiscent of her. But I feel healthy closure in a way I didn't when my dad died. One note: The amazing woman who died yesterday is, for all intents and purposes my mom. However, biologically she is my paternal aunt who raised me and adopted me. The man who preceded her in death is my biological father (her brother), who died many years ago.

Goodbye MOM. I will miss you. I will never forget you. I will love you until it's hello darkness for me too. Our bond can never be broken, even by your death. You saved a starving, homeless child, and I will never forget your kindness.

Goodbye Mom

I spent a few minutes with my mom today. She was sleeping. I just sat with her. The nurse told me she probably has weeks before she's actively dying.

I'm not a religious person, but I always think of mom when I recall Philippians 4:8:

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

My mom, while a flawed and imperfect human being, is certainly true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report.

My mom saved my life. Me and my younger sister were homeless kids when she took us in. She ultimately adopted me. She saw the dysfunction and did her best to put an end to it. She gave me everything. I will miss her. I might get an opportunity to see her once more, but in case I don't, I'm saying goodbye now.

Goodbye mom. I'll love you until I draw my last breath.

I'm taking a few days to drive wherever. I need to process this whole thing. I don't want the pitying looks or the comments that, "it will be ok". I know it will be ok, eventually. A unique light in the universe is fading and will soon be gone. It's life. I know there's light at the end of the mourning process. I just need to process this in solitude, with my pup by my side. 

Mom not well

I went to see my mom yesterday and she's not well. She got 10x the prescribed dose of haloperidol. For alzheimers patients, haloperidol is supposed to be given at 0.5 mg. They gave her 5 mg at least 4 times. She's in really bad shape. She can't walk or feed herself and her speech is slurred and nonsense.

There was apparently an issue of mistaken identity or lies. The nurses told my sister that "the guy who showed up yesterday was very pushy, pushing her wheelchair when she clearly didn't want to be moved". When I went, I simply sat with her and listened to her. It's troubling that either the staff lied about me, or some unknown person was there wheeling mom around.

If they're lying, I'm not going to visit her without another family member present. I know all too well when women start lying about a man, it becomes very dangerous for the man.

I'm having dinner with a friend tonight. I think I'll drive back home tomorrow morning.

One thing I learned on this trip: my sister advocated disinheriting me during the negotiations for the trust.

I also learned that she got a loan from dad, and now he says she thinks half of the loan should be forgiven as part of her inheritance. She already gets 40% while I get 20%. She's trying to increase her share by taking money before dad dies.

I thought she had grown out of her greedy and petty phase. She's over 50 and still scheming. She never really accepted me as her brother. She was livid when mom adopted me.

It's a bit depressing actually. I sometimes just want to leave everything and go live in the woods alone with my dog.

Another Elder Circling the Drain

My stepdad called me this evening. When I saw the call come in I knew it wasn't good news. He rarely calls me.

He told me my adopted mother (biologically paternal aunt) is dying. She's been in memory care for almost a year. Apparently there was a medication error that caused some kind of problem. That was 10 days ago, according to my sister. I knew she wasn't going to survive much longer, but I didn't expect it so soon.

So, I'm packing the car and the pup and we're driving straight through starting tomorrow morning. I need to see her before she dies. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my father when he died, and I still feel guilt over that 18 years later.

I'm honestly just numb right now. Me and my beloved were supposed to go to a friend's house to celebrate Diwali. After hearing about my mom, I didn't feel like going. My partner understood. We're supposed to celebrate when he returns, but it's getting late.

I have to finish the laundry so I have clothes for the trip.

I think it's going to be a rough couple of months.

Losing Elders Sucks

I recently learned of the 2020 death of a friend with whom I'd lost touch. She was an award winning writer and a kind person. She taught creative writing at a community college.

I always find it difficult to lose elders. Their wisdom is lost and all that remains are the memories. Even those fade away in about 20 years. No one alive knows anything about my great grandparents, except the biographical information in a genealogy file.

It's also sad to realize that a unique light has gone out, and the universe is a little darker for the loss.

I need to make time to take a trip back home to visit my remaining elders. My mom is still there, even though she sometimes doesn't remember having kids.

Strange Bedfellows - Islamic Terrorists and LGBT Activists

Why are leftists embracing islamic terrorists? I guess it shouldn't be too surprising considering their adoration of Che, but there was a rare moment of clarity during a pro-palestine rally in London, where a 'progress' flag was torn down by terrorists.

Terrorists tear down LGBT flag

Personally, I hate that flag. It takes a symbol of gay and lesbian liberation and desecrates it with a bunch of trans, nonbinary and asexual bullshit. I often have an urge to tear that ugly abomination down when I see it flying. But I have enough respect for the opinions of others and their property rights to refrain.

We used to have a neighbor who had a daughter. From what I gather, she was always a bit of a tomboy, but absolutely heterosexual. Sadly, she got caught up in the postmodernist gender nonsense, and now she claims to be nonbinary and insists on they/them pronouns.

This stupid girl is literally a heterosexual female, but she "decides" one day she's not a woman, and now flies that ugly ass flag on her parent's porch. To add insult to injury, she started identifying as 'queer'. She was extremely offended when I told her the word 'queer' has always been a slur against gay men, and it is not any kind of identity. She was probably more offended when I referred to her as 'young lady' when I told her my position on the word 'queer'.

Anyway. Strange bedfellows indeed. Hamas would show no amount of tolerance for any member of the 'LGBTQIA+' alphabet brigade. Yet, the alphabet brigade is falling over themselves to be allies with hamas. Very disturbing.

I declared divorce from the rest of the alphabet brigade years ago. There are the LG. Everything after that are a bunch of fair weather friends and pretenders. Even the L and the G don't interact much in the wild, but as homosexuals, we have to stick together.

Skeptic's Guide Silence on Hamas Attack on Israel is Deafening

 Since a bunch of barbarians swarmed across the border between Gaza and Israel, killing hundreds, beheading babies, raping women and taking hostages, the Skeptic's Guide to the Universe has been strangely silent, as has their resident woke windbag, Cara Santa Maria. It's strange that an organization, allegedly founded to combat irrational thinking and misinformation has NOTHING to say about islamic swine murdering Jews and the misinformation campaign the islamic hordes unleashed.

Particularly telling is this whole thing over the bombing of the hospital in Gaza. Leftist media were eager to take the word of the terrorists when they blamed Israel, and anyone who tried to push back was labeled "islamophobic". It turns out, the hospital, which is run by a Christian organization, was accidentally hit when a rocket launched by Hamas failed mid-flight and dropped into the parking lot of the hospital.

The islamic world erupted with protests, fueled by the hamas lies. What were the lies? First, they claim that over 500 people were killed in the blast. Secondly, they claim the hospital was destroyed. What were the facts? The hospital was NOT DESTROYED, and the casualties, while unfortunate, were probably less than 100. The fact is, the explosion happened in the parking lot outside the hospital. Those who died had taken refuge at the hospital, but it was full, so they had camped out in the courtyard by the parking lot.

Any loss of life is sad. I am very sad seeing the pictures of dead children being pulled from rubble. But let's not pretend that the islamists don't purposely operate out of highly populated areas to ensure any Israeli response would involve massive civilian casualties. IDF does NOT operate that way. There is no moral equivalence here.

I stand with Israel 100%. They have a right to defend themselves, and to seek to punish the barbarians who murdered, raped and took so many of their citizens hostage.

I have been horrified to see islamic hordes protesting in my city! Seriously. These swine held a mass rally in Seattle yesterday. Hundreds of people marching in solidarity with terrorists! Fucking hell!

I have always been a creature of the left, but as the left has lost their minds in the last 10-15 years, I've seen myself more as a centrist. The left's response to the evils perpetuated on 10/7 against innocent civilians has pushed me firmly into the right wing. I say pushed, but it really was a massive shove from the left wing loonies.

Build a border wall. Deport the islamists and other criminals. Build up our military so we can give Russia, China, Iran and anyone else a boot in the ass if they fuck with us or our allies. I'm Pro-Israel, Pro-America, and Pro putting a boot in the ass of anyone who wants to undermine the American way of life.

One final note: The SGU had taken a left turn into crazy town a few years ago. I noticed it when Cara Santa Maria was spouting trans ideology unchecked. I noticed it when Science Based Medicine jumped on the left wing loony train when it comes to trans ideology. I stopped listening to the SGU years ago. I had been a big fan, but the pandering and unskeptical stances they were taking just rubbed me the wrong way.

Needless Death

Watching the horrifying images coming from Israel today, I'm saddened by the loss of human life. All for rights to occupy a piece of land that is unremarkable except for the history on that spot.

Already somewhat depressed about the needless death in Israel, I decided to mow the lawn. I was pushing the lawnmower down a slight incline of high grass when I felt an unusual rattle from the lawnmower. I had run over some sort of small mammal only slightly bigger than a mouse. It's poor, mangled body came out from the blades a few moments later.

I stopped the lawnmower and felt so helpless. Here this little critter was crawling through the grass enjoying its life, and it gets sucked up and mutilated. I hope it didn't suffer.

Death stalks us all. I hope when my time comes I don't suffer. If there were a god, I think he'd ensure innocent woodland creatures had good lives and swift, painless deaths. Watching a gazelle being devoured by lions tells a very different story.

I know in the grand arch of history, one little mammal makes little difference. But I don't like killing anything without it being necessary to preserve my life.

I'll get over this minor thing. Right now, there are humans killing other humans. Should I care more about that?

Another Noble Lie? Fentanyl Second-Hand Smoke

During the pandemic, the public was given whiplash from the swift changes in masking guidelines. First, they told us masks do nothing to stop the spread of SARS-COV-2, then they swiftly came out with mask mandates and patterns to make masks at home. The first recommendation was a noble lie, told because they wanted to keep the public from causing an even greater mask shortage, and preserving the existing supply for front line workers. It was a lie that backfired massively when many people refused to wear masks, using the noble lie to mask their political motivations.

Recently, fentanyl has been used on public transit in many cities, especially cities that have refused to punish drug use under the guise of social justice. A report in Seattle said traces of fentanyl were found in the air and on surfaces in busses and trains. Public health experts were quick to claim that the levels were safe.

Why do I think this is a noble lie? Because it affirms 2 sacred cows among the leftists in places like Seattle and Portland: public transit and social justice.

Public transit has been touted as a solution to global warming, and they don't want transit users to go back to driving cars for fear of being exposed to fentanyl on public transit.

Social justice types don't want people to be fearful of helping someone in the throws of a fentanyl overdose, so they say the levels are safe.

I'm not saying they're lying. I'm saying I'd like to see the the studies replicated by truth-seeking scientists, not hand-picked partisans on-board with the social coercion agenda of the far left.

It's sad that public health officials have lost their credibility to the point where people just ignore their bleating. Science has been taken over by postmodernism. Rough times ahead.

Did scammers hit Prosper Marketplace?

I've been investing with Prosper since around 2009, and my ROI has always been around 10%. I recently logged in to my Roth IRA Prosper account, and found that my ROI had dipped to 7.62%. Upon inspection, an unusually large number of notes are listed with an amount of "other" and "debt sold". I checked the account last month and there were 9 accounts with that status, there are now 56!

What the hell is going on with Prosper? Did they get hit by a group of scammers? Is this legitimate loans that have defaulted because of the economy? If anyone else has an insight into this, please let me know in the comments.

Jason Aldean and The Dixie Chicks

 I recently saw a Youtube video where Jason Aldean said "fuck Joe Biden" and fuck other leftists, and called for his supporters to vote for Grab 'Em By the Pussy Trump in 2024. Does anyone else remember when the political Karens canceled the Dixie Chicks in 2003 for saying they were ashamed that Bush was from Texas?

So, I have to ask the partisan zombies on the right, what happened to due respect for the office holder? And don't give me the bs argument that the Dixie Chicks had broken some non-existent taboo about criticizing POTUS while on tour in the territory of an ally.

I genuinely don't understand Trump supporters. In 2016, I could understand why some people, fed up with the status quo, were ready to vote for a political outsider. I thought they were foolish for thinking a bombastic, narcissistic billionaire would be the voice for working Americans. But after everything he has done to undermine our standing in the world, and his actions to overthrow the elected government, I do not understand why anyone still supports him. Are they willfully ignorant of his crimes, or do they simply hate America?

When the woke brigade came after Jason Aldean for his song, "Try that in a small town", I bought the song as a middle finger to the illiberal leftists who so eagerly misrepresent and spin anything they don't like. But now, I have to remove that song from my playlist because Mr. Aldean has proven he is anything but a patriot.

In summary, Fuck Jason Aldean and all trumpsterbators. They call themselves patriots, but they're blind partisan zombies and useful idiots for Trump and America's enemies.

Why I'm Ditching BAT by Brave - Basic Attention Token

What is a Basic Attention Token (BAT)?

Basic Attention Token is a crypto currency used in the Brave browser. It basically pays you for displaying ads that pop up in the upper right corner of your screen. At one point, each BAT was trading for over $1 USD. As of this writing, BAT was trading at $0.17 USD.

Why would anyone want to see ads?

I wanted to see the ads because they were often tech-related items, and they were relatively unobtrusive. I'm a geek, and I love techie toys. There were a lot of ads I wasn't interested in, like crypto/web3 and gaming stuff, but I quite enjoyed the other tech stuff. The fact that I was actually compensated was a decent bonus.

Why did you decide to stop using BAT?

I left because they stopped paying out the BAT I had earned. As of this writing, Brave International has not paid out the BAT I earned in 4 months. I received a notice saying I didn't need to click the ads to be paid, and I had to acknowledge that to continue earning BAT. I knew didn't need to click to earn. The problem is, the ads covered up my tabs AND my browser close, maximize and minimize controls in the top right corner. So, I ended up clicking on ads that would appear when I was trying to click to a different tab or when I was trying to close the browser.

I submitted two separate tickets, starting the first month the payment was missed. The first ticket was just marked closed without any resolution or explanation. The second ticket said the problem was resolved and my next payout would include all the back-owed BAT. That was two months ago, and no more BAT has been paid out. Searching through the Brave Community Forums, I see many people have this same problem.

Brave has not told me I've broken any rules. I was running the nightly, beta and standard versions on my desktop and laptop. I also ran Brave on my work computer. I had them linked to a crypto currency marketplace, and for a long time my payouts went directly into my account on the marketplace. The last payment was on May 1, 2023.

Another thing that annoyed me about BAT is my monthly payout would usually be significantly less than the BAT dashboard would list in each version of the browser. I would take screenshots at the end of the month in all the machines and versions I had used. I added up the earned BAT from all the screenshots, and I noticed my actual payout was often HALF that amount!

In summary:

I've come to the conclusion that BAT is not worth it. I think it is yet another libertarian tech-utopian idea that failed miserably. I'm done with BAT. I had hoarded a large number of BAT in my exchange account, and I have now cashed them out to USD. I've disabled BAT in all my browsers. I might just switch back to FireFox, but it will take some time.

'Queer' is a slur, not an identity

Over the last few years I've heard people referring to themselves as 'Queer', and it's always a bit jarring. You see, I have been called 'queer' most of my life. As a kid it was a slur lobbed at me for not being sporty and not gawking at girls. As an adult, it has been lobbed at me for daring to be an out homosexual male. It was also hurled at me by a bunch of men who assaulted me outside a gay bar in 2002.

So, it's rather jarring to hear people labeling themselves 'queer'. Being an individualist, I don't begrudge anyone labeling themselves any way they wish, even if it seems odd to me. The problem is, the term 'queer' has become shorthand for the entire 'LGBTQIA2+' community. Those who 'identify' as 'queer' have also started referring to gay men as 'queer', and they seem unconcerned when they get push-back.

I bristle at being called 'queer', as do, I suspect, most self-respecting homosexual males. So, if you meet me, don't be surprised if you get a stern rebuke if you refer to me as 'queer'. That awful word is, and always will be, a slur against gay men. Most of the young people who now 'identify' as 'queer' are actually straight. In other words, they are NOT homosexual. That being the case, we have a bunch of straight kids using a homosexual slur as an 'identity'. You know, the same group that previously used to hurl at gay men. STOP THAT! It isn't your word to 'reclaim'.

Replacing Evernote with Joplin and pCloud

I've been annoyed with the cost of Evernote for a few years, but I never took the time to find an alternative. For me, Joplin seems to do everything I needed with Evernote, but without the high cost. I had a lifetime paid subscription to pCloud, so I might as well use it to store my notes.

If you're trying to use Joplin with pCloud, follow these instructions to help you set it up.

First, create a folder in your pCloud account to store the Joplin data. For simplicity sake, I recommend making it all one word, like "Notes" or "Joplin". Why? Because you're going to have to include the folder name in the URL you provide in Joplin to point to the folder. 

***WARNING failure to setup a separate folder WILL RESULT in the files in the root folder of you pCloud being turned into .md files. 

Tools > Options > Synchronization

Under "Synchronization target" select WebDAV.

For WebDAV URL enter: https://webdav.pcloud.com/your-folder_name-goes-here

***See the warning above. If you fail to include your folder name, it will attempt to turn all your files into Joplin notes by encrypting them and making them into .md files.

For the WebDAV username and password, enter your pCloud login information. Leave synchronization interval at 5 minutes, unless you want to disable it or set it to synchronize less frequently.

Click "check synchronization configuration". It should say "Success!...". If it doesn't, you need to make sure you entered your username and password correctly.

If you have trouble, you can ask for help in the Joplin discourse.